Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Me+ life= 23 year old woman with the personality of a 45 year old

He says to me, " Catwalq," (after a heated arguement) "I want to be regarded as the head of the household not because I beat (not literarily) my wife into a corner and command her to worship me but because she has taken a good look at me, assessed my strengths and weaknesses and has decided that yes XXXX (his name) is worthy of my heart and my devotion. That means, I have to have earned it through my actions and how I live my life not because I brow beat her into supplication (his words not mine. yeah, he is one of the book-ie ones). I want her to love me as I love her because I have earned her love."

I am thinking to myself, "Then why won't you give me a chance? I already think that about you, why won't you give me a chance? Matter of fact, why won't anyone?"

I am really hating always being the friend that everyone says will make a great wife, mother, cook, driver, bedmate...whatever-based-on-what-I-am-doing-at-the-time. Okay, so I am not so sold on the idea of the first three but damn, why must it be so hard.

This is what happens when you are twenty-three going on forty five.

I am going to get myself a soda.


Monday, August 20, 2007

Beasts of No Nation

I just read Uzodinma Iweala's "BEASTS OF NO NATION". Yes, I know I am late to the discourse of it but like people always say, "Better late than never". It was a heart wrenching read. I hurt all over as I took a journey with the main character, a little boy soldier through his experiences trying to survive during the war after having lost his childhood and being forcefulloy thrust into a world of chaos, abuse and violence.

His words were so simple and sincere that it was like I felt each shiver of fear, each hunger pang and his desperation. I wish I could write like that. It was a great book and I am recommending you read it.

And if you can, do keep in mind that you have to be careful what actions you take and be prepared to be accountable for them. I am sure that none of the generals who plunge countries into wars take into account the effects on the lives of those individuals who have absolutely no understanding of what they are supposed to be fighting for.

I always pray that every thought, word and action that I make is to God's glory and that of which is his. I always pray that I do not consciously or unconsciously cause another human being pain because if I do set out to victimise someone else, I have degenerated from the human consciousness of soul to that of an animal.

Thursday, August 16, 2007


Yesterday was such a good day. U know, one of those days when God hugs you and tells you that all will be well and that you are on the right part.
I was on such a good high.
So here's a hug from me to you; inviting you to share in my happiness.
Have a good day and GREAT weekend.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

On a mission...

I need all my guys and (capable ladies to help me out here).
Guys, I need to improve my technique....
When I tried, I don't think he liked my "efforts" too much even though he said not a thing.
I made sure everything was warm and that the motion was fluid but I am quite sure I suck (no pun intended).
I need tips before he comes back next friday.
I want to make sure that afterwards, he is not coherent. And in a good way

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Maybe it's just me...

1. I cannot wake up in the morning and immediately jump on the phone. I live with an aunt whom I secretely suspect is afraid of silences. She always has to talk about something or someone with somebody. I find I gossip more when I am around her and I don't like it. it gives me a headache (believe ot or not) and I always feel like I have done something wrong. As someone who has done alot of wrongful talking in her life, I am trying to practice the Laws of Silence; where I speak unless i absolutely have to and the utmost truth at that.

2. I don't like alot of light. People think I put off lights to save on the electric bill but it's just that I like shadows. In the shadows, you cannot see my face clearly and thus you cannot tell exactly what I am thinking. And in the shadows, I can conjur up images of my perfect place and immerse myself in it. With the lights on, the glaring realities of my environment are sometimes too much to bear.

3. I love easily, I hurt easily, I forgive easily but I do not forget.

4. I don't bear grudges...for long. It is physically and emotionally exhausting for me to dislike people.

5. I speak my mind and can be blunt and in some instances, tactless. I just want you to know what to expect from me...to some extent.

6. I have a phobia of smells. I have started using men's cologne because it is stronger. i brush after every meal and chew minty gum so much, I fear I might have damaged my enamels. i just fear that people will say that I am smelling and no one will tell me and yet everyone will talk about it. I have an aunt with horrible bad breath, even after she had brushed and I try not to sit too close to her.

7. I love food. It's almost disgusting. I can be mad depressed and once I eat, I feel better. Food is my comfort. My weight blows up and down. I fluctuate from an 8 to a 4 from time to time. I am trying to find other ways to channel my frustrations or to calm my worries. Blogging has been one of such ways.

8. My greatest fear is failure. Failure to build what I dream. I calm myself by telling myself that "God would not have gifted you with the ability to dream and think the way you do, only so that you can desire a certain accomplishment all your life". Sometimes, that helps to calm me and when that doesn't work, I pray. And when that doesn't work, I eat.

9. I watch all sorts of things on television. From porn to foreign films. I have always loved tv.

10. I crush on guys alot and almost as quickly, i loose interest.

11. I wouldn't call myself beautiful. And I never have. I maintain however that there are two basic types of girls. Those that compete in the beauty pageants and those that produce and direct the show. I am the director. My beauty is in my mind, my thoughts, words and actions.

12. I love my butt. It was the one thing I always loved about myself. Though, its size fluctuates based on my weight.

13. I am going to be a great in three fields: Architecture, Film/Theatre and Fashion. I know it and I believe it.

14. I have never had a "real" boyfriend. Sometimes, i don't like it but most times I am okay about it. As I get older though, I fear I might not be able to function in a relationship as I am so used to doing things for and by myself. I have always had problems sharing. Not material things. But myself or my life. The things that matter most to me, I keep to myself. Thus, very few people really know me.

15. People have told me that I am funny. I sometimes fear they laugh "at" me and not "with" me.