Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I thought I was in love. I was knocking twenty and had never had a boyfriend. I desperately wanted this to be real. My adoloescence was leaving me and retreating to a distant memory devoid of all the silliness and carefree living that all my girlfriends had experienced.

Whilst they were swooning over improperly penned love letters and saccharine sweet romantic dalliances, I was poring over university brochures and countless novels. I was always odd amongst my friends even though I fit in with the crowd. Fiercely outspoken and intensely imaginative, I always wished that I too could have a very generic type tale to tell whenever my friends and I gathered for a hang. I never did. Even as I feverently prayed that things would change.

He was everything I wanted in a man. I was young, had no references against which I could compare him but I knew he was what I wanted. He was intelligent, suave and extremely funny. He and I shared a kin sense of humour. He got my jokes. I got his jokes. We read the same books. He was intrigued by all the things that I told him I had seen as well as those that I was planning to see. He lived alone, was working after having sailed through school abroad (where I wanted to go) on a scholarship (like I wished for). His mother was the woman I wanted to be when I grew up. His sister was an architect like I was planning to be. He was a youth leader and advisor in church.

He was tall, and his black skin shone like only a man from the river belt could. His hands were large but gentle; I knew because anytime he touched me, whether just to get my attention or to help me after I slipped in shoes that were not made for walking, I burned the feeling in my mind; my unexplored desires bubbling up to the surface like the inferno of a volcano.

My mother noticed it. Maybe because she had never seen me that animated around anyone before. neither had she seen me suddenly taken with my appearance. i was suddenly worried if he had seen whatever I was planning to put on that day. For the first time in my life as a female I fantasized about what it would mean if we could nurture our relationship till when it was right and we got married, what my first name would sound like next to his. Luckily, my mother was half itsekiri, half Yoruba, so I had access to and experience with his culture. i wondered if I could endure the dressing. I started trying my hands out at preparing what I had deduced was his favorite dish.

I confided in my best friend who was stunned that I felt that way. I had been pegged in school as the "most likely to beat up her husband herself". I hadn't liked the title but I was kind of glad that people were able to deduce that I was a no-nonsense person. My friend got to work trying to find out if he was involved with anyone. He was 25 going on 35 and I was 19 going on 30. We were going to be perfect together.

Then, at a party that I had spent ages getting ready for cos he was going to be there, he introduced me to his girlfriend. I died as I shook her hand. That was the day that I knew without a doubt that I had a chance at acting. My mother was sure she had been hallucinating about me and my friend felt she had imagined our past conversations about him. The girlfriend was perfect. She was just the kind of woman I knew he would have picked. She was funny, lively and very beautiful. I hated her because I liked her alot. He watched for my reaction, like he was anxious for me to accept her. He introduced me to her as his baby sister. he was the last child of his mother and so, he had always been the baby. Everyone thought that was cute. My stomach was churning.

Why would he want you? I asked myself. You are too fat, too dark, too short, stoo chatty, too young....every flaw I felt one could have, I drummed up as a reason why he could not be mine. I was so pained, i was numb. I began to tell myself that what they had would not last. I wondered if I prayed, maybe God would bring him to ME. Then, I realised that was an insult to God and to him. he was happy, clearly that is why God had brought him and her together. I even fell ill. My mother blamed it on my erractic eating habits. She tried to talk to me, to get me to talk to her. I brushed her worries aside and blamed it on my quest for admission. She bought it. i was studying for A levels, Jamb and SATs. I had alot on my plate.

Maybe, they would not last. Maybe... I'll wait.

I am sitting in front of my computer. His email is short as usual and filled with all I want to hear,except... he as proposed and she has accepted.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

awwwwwww! E ya. Been there. Done that. E go betta

femme said...

ohhhhhhhhhhh. i am so sorry, i thot i was reading my own story for a while but i dont like the end of this one. E go betta comes to mind too

diary of a G said...

so sorry
not much more I can say
but
from your words in this post
it sounds like keeping ur
head in them books paid off
sad but for what its worth
beautifully written
(am intimidated)

your time will come

Anu boy said...

uhmmmmm...... i love the way u wrote that... lovely, and mehn, na wa oh... nothing do you jo...

naijagal said...

wow this too shall pass:) from the post it seems like you still love him dont worry the man thats your alone will come:)

question though did you tell him how you felt? In any case we have all been there

nice blog stop by my blog sometime

Pink-satin said...

most likely to beat up her husband herself" lawl

men i am so sorry that happened.....guys can be such pricks..why was he leading u on wen u knew he had a girlfriend??

princess said...

Sweetie, Its very difficult to let go of one's first love but u just have to do it.
The guy is obviously in love with the other girl and its not cos she is better than you or anything. It's just the way it is.
U are going to meet ur own prince charming too one day and he will cherish you the way u ought to be.
Believe.

catwalq said...

@anonymous: really? u have? thanks for the support

@femme:thanks too

@diary of a g: please don't be intimidated. we all have our strengths. mine is sometimes with words.

@Anu boy: thanks.

@naija girl: no i didn't. i couldn't ever. everytime I wanted to, I froze up and then there was her.

@Pink Satin: he did not lead me on. He always offered friendship. I just wanted and wished for more.

@princess: believe me, I am trying to. Thanks for the support.

Azumi♥ said...

Awwww! Such a. . . .touching story. . . . . .You'll find your own Mr.! You will!!!

Atutupoyoyo said...

Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.

Ravi said...

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Ravi

O.šeyï said...

If that was real? Damn.... That sucks. I've been there. My story, i waited for him for 8 years. He didnt have a girlfriend, but he wasnt telling me what I wanted to hear. Even though, he did tell me, "If anything happens, just know that i really care."

WTF??

I've loved again. : ) No worries. You will.. you probably have sef? Wait how fresh is this story?

WELL Written.

Linda Ikeji said...

man wahala.abeg laff about am.life is too beautiful to dey bother about sad things. he wasn't urs, when urs come, u'll feel it in ur bones.just relax ok?kisses!

Naija Vixen said...

Babes,dont worry it'ld be fine...your own go soon land gbam! lol,im too razz! Oya update sharpish

catwalq said...

thank u o, my people