Mummy and I

Over the phone. Time: 6.30 am(my time), 12.30 pm(her time)

Mummy: hello, hello, hello...Catwalq?

Me(slurred): Yes, hello, mummy

Mummy: Where have you been? Did you not see any of my missed calls? I left you five messages.

Me: By the time I saw them, it was too late for me to call you.

Mummy: I was very worried. It's not like you to go missing like that.

Me: Why? I was not missing. Did I not just speak to you like yesterday? The phone was on vibrate. What is going on?

Mummy: I should ask you that. How are you feeling? I hope you have not started eating stupidly again. You know you don't take dissappointments well.

Me: What?

Mummy: Don't 'what' me. I heard you over the phone asking for the "largest drink that they had."

Me: Mum, it was a soda. I have told you I don't drink alcohol.

Mummy: And I always thank the lord because kani u did ni, that will be what you will be using to drown your issues like all those...

Me: (cutting in) Mummy it is about six in the morning...

Mummy: What is that supposed to mean?

Me: Nothing, I...
Mummy: I should get off the phone for you? (voice has risen)

Me: No I did not say that, I am just like...

Mummy: And here I have been worrying myself sick; making calls trying to see how I can get you some money even if it is only five hundred and your are asking me to get off your phone?

Me: I did... (mo daran/ I am in trouble now)

Mummy: You were the one hungering to go to the US to study and now all these issues. First with your cousin, me loosing my job and this internship we had so banked upon getting lost. Do you think I like what you and your brother are going through?

Me: I am sorry.

Mummy: Well, if you do not want to talk to me, then you hang up. I don't know why you called me and told me that the programme did not work out if you did not want to talk with me about it.

Me: I always call you first...

Mummy: Hang up now, se I am bothering you (voice is soft and childlike...emotional blackmail mode switching into gear, tread softly)

Me: Mumm...

Mummy: I called, maybe we can pray together. I sent your brother to go and put credit on the phone and I was waking up every hour to try and reach you but you sound like you have everything under control so u can go.

Me: I am sorry. I did not mean to be rude. I was just scared when you said you had been trying to find me. (placating and cajolling) You know that I always want to talk to you. You can call me anytime even if it is in the middle of the night.

Mummy: That is what you always say but apparently it is not true. Otherwise you would have picked up all my calls.

Me: The phone was on vibrate.

Mummy: I do not know why you have a cell phone if you do not pick up.

Me: The phone was on vibrate.

Mummy: God forbid there should be an emergency.

Me: The phone was on vibrate.

Mummy: (silence)

Me: (silence)

Mummy: (silence)

Me: (silence)

Mummy: (to someone in the background; probably my brother) abi omo yi i ti hang up ni? (Or did this child hang up on me?)

Me: Hellooo mum, am still here o


Mummy: I was about to say. The slap I would have sent your way would have set your brain aright...hang up on me...o o to be (you will not dare)

Me: (agreeing) Lai lai. So what's up?


Mummy: Nothing. I just wanted to see if there had been any development with your dean.

Me: Sort of. He has been making calls and calling in favours trying to get me a placement. I have wasted three weeks and though that is not good, I am very hopeful.

Mummy: (sigh) And I know you have no money

Me: Yes

Mummy: (exclaims) Heeey!!! Olorun joo ( God please)

Me: Don't worry, I am fine.

Mummy: U are still at your aunt's house?

Me: Yes.

Mummy: Please tell her that only God can thank her for me for all she has done for us. I hope you are behaving yourself and helping her keep her house well. Don't say because she lets you that you will eat all her food. Remember what you looked like when ypu were fat...and your health.

Me: Yes, mummy. (changing the topic) What are you doing?

Mummy: I am going to Akure to go meet your dad. There is a spiritual seminar. We have to tackle all our issues from all sides. A family that prays together...

Me: ...belongs to the same faith

Mummy: U r really quite stupid.

Me: Sorry. I am just saying.

Mummy: Well, that is one. I have just paid the rent. Your daddy brought what he could, I ran around and so we have settled the landlord, three months later.

Me: Thank God, now no shaking.

Mummy: Yes O. Oh, and we have a new president.

Me: I know, Uncle Yara on-the-dialysis-machine.

Mummy: Haaaa, Catwalq-i, only God will forgive you.

Me: But that is what they said, and there were pictures to back it up. I even heard that he collapsed and had to be rushed to Germany.

Mummy: Where are you hearing all these things?

Me: On the internet

Mummy: Is that what you are doing with your time?

Me: Yup. for now. abi, what else do I have doing but eating, browsing the net and watching movies telling myself that I can write a better script.

Mummy: You better start writing that script so you can sell it and send you and your brother to school so that your father and I can sleep in peace. We are not young any more, if you don't know. I should marry you off and collect bride price but with your intelligence only God knows what I will be able to get.

Me: That will be your fault having kids in your late thirties. You guys have always been old meen.

Mummy: enu e( your mouth)

Me: About our presie, I heard that he is the first in that position to hold a collegiate degree.

Mummy: o ti o (na lie)

Me: Yes o. na so we see am.

Mummy: I mean, I knew Baba Iyabo did not go to school but what about Zik and others.

Me: Ibo ni wan to fe ri? (where would they have found one to attend?) which others, Abacha or Shagari?

Mummy: May be he will be able to better manage this administration

Me: Let us pray that he is. Is Omo Mummy (younger bro) going with u?

Mummy: No, we can't all go. Saving up for the portharcourt seminar.

Me: Ok

Mummy: What about Bomboy Rascal?( Aunty's seven yr old son)

Me: Sleeping. No one is up yet. they should be actually

Mummy: ehn ehn

Me: poor boy, aunty ti kanran mo omo naa titi wan lo sun last night ( aunty was irritable towards him till they went to bed last night)

Mummy: ki lo sele? (what happened)

Me: His friends told his mum that he did well in the class math quiz and she was ecstatic until she realised that he got 14 out of 21. She nearly bit his head off when he started singing along with Rihanna on the radio. She thought he got a hundred percent and found out his grade infront of the other parents who were also eager to hear what he got with the way his classmates were advertising and endorsing him.

Mummy: Aaah, eeyah. How did his classmates get involved?

Me: I did not tell you that Bomboy had gone to school to tell them that he was an African prince and heir to a throne?

Mummy: Eh-eh (bursts out laughing) but in a way it is true. He will just have to kill about three hundred families before he can get to the throne of Lagos.

Me: He now has supporters and subjects probably hoping to relocate to the Africa from Coming-to-America.

Mummy: Hun? What does that mean?

Me: Coming To America? Eddie Murphy? Zimunda? Can't you remember?

Mummy: What?

Me: The movie where he was an African prince who came to the US looking for a bride.

Mummy: Ehn-ehn, yes

Me: You have no idea what I am talking about, do you?

Mummy: No

Me: Well, they created this Africa of perfection.

Mummy: Ehn-ehn ( getting lost in the conversation)

Me: When are you leaving for Akure?

Mummy: When I get off this phone, Omo Mummy will take me to the bus park. Infact, I should be off now. Seems like you holding strong.

Me: Where r u going to? After waking me up from sleep. I was dreaming that I was dating a rich and powerful sheik who built a house of gold and diamonds for me...u better stay and gist with me.

Mummy: Oniranu (useless person), I hope you memorized his number so you can call him to come and fix your financial worries...wo, (look) I am going now, ok

Me: So, you don't want to talk to me, Okay o hang up now.

Mummy: Do you want to talk to your brother before all the credit is gone? (to my brother) you want to talk to your sister?

Me: No, tell him that he is an ugly mushueshue but I love him and he should hang on

Mummy: (repeats the message)
He said you are a goat.

Me: It is not his fault. If I was there, I would bless him with a hot slap.

Mummy: You better have a ladder because there is no way you will reach his face. Short rat.

Me: (gasp, feigned hurt) U are so mean

Mummy: (evil chuckle) My child, don't worry ehn, everything will work out. God is not asleep on us. Take care, ehn

Me: Amen...are you going to leave me here after disrupting my sleep?

Mummy: Bye joo

Me: U are going to hang up?

Mummy: Yes. Love you. Be strong. You are not alone. Remember that you must pray. That is the only way we will get through this faze

Me: So u r going to hang up?

Mummy: *hiss* bye jare, ok, bye. (hangs up)