Maybe it's just me...

1. I cannot wake up in the morning and immediately jump on the phone. I live with an aunt whom I secretely suspect is afraid of silences. She always has to talk about something or someone with somebody. I find I gossip more when I am around her and I don't like it. it gives me a headache (believe ot or not) and I always feel like I have done something wrong. As someone who has done alot of wrongful talking in her life, I am trying to practice the Laws of Silence; where I speak unless i absolutely have to and the utmost truth at that.

2. I don't like alot of light. People think I put off lights to save on the electric bill but it's just that I like shadows. In the shadows, you cannot see my face clearly and thus you cannot tell exactly what I am thinking. And in the shadows, I can conjur up images of my perfect place and immerse myself in it. With the lights on, the glaring realities of my environment are sometimes too much to bear.

3. I love easily, I hurt easily, I forgive easily but I do not forget.

4. I don't bear grudges...for long. It is physically and emotionally exhausting for me to dislike people.

5. I speak my mind and can be blunt and in some instances, tactless. I just want you to know what to expect from me...to some extent.

6. I have a phobia of smells. I have started using men's cologne because it is stronger. i brush after every meal and chew minty gum so much, I fear I might have damaged my enamels. i just fear that people will say that I am smelling and no one will tell me and yet everyone will talk about it. I have an aunt with horrible bad breath, even after she had brushed and I try not to sit too close to her.

7. I love food. It's almost disgusting. I can be mad depressed and once I eat, I feel better. Food is my comfort. My weight blows up and down. I fluctuate from an 8 to a 4 from time to time. I am trying to find other ways to channel my frustrations or to calm my worries. Blogging has been one of such ways.

8. My greatest fear is failure. Failure to build what I dream. I calm myself by telling myself that "God would not have gifted you with the ability to dream and think the way you do, only so that you can desire a certain accomplishment all your life". Sometimes, that helps to calm me and when that doesn't work, I pray. And when that doesn't work, I eat.

9. I watch all sorts of things on television. From porn to foreign films. I have always loved tv.

10. I crush on guys alot and almost as quickly, i loose interest.

11. I wouldn't call myself beautiful. And I never have. I maintain however that there are two basic types of girls. Those that compete in the beauty pageants and those that produce and direct the show. I am the director. My beauty is in my mind, my thoughts, words and actions.

12. I love my butt. It was the one thing I always loved about myself. Though, its size fluctuates based on my weight.

13. I am going to be a great in three fields: Architecture, Film/Theatre and Fashion. I know it and I believe it.

14. I have never had a "real" boyfriend. Sometimes, i don't like it but most times I am okay about it. As I get older though, I fear I might not be able to function in a relationship as I am so used to doing things for and by myself. I have always had problems sharing. Not material things. But myself or my life. The things that matter most to me, I keep to myself. Thus, very few people really know me.

15. People have told me that I am funny. I sometimes fear they laugh "at" me and not "with" me.

THE DAY CATWALQ WAS CREATED....

GOD FLICKS HIS WAND... ( in the Nigerian Part of heaven)

CATWALQ: (GASPING) WOW, WHERE AM I?

ANGEL INSPECTOR: well u r at the manufacturing facility. u just got made. here is your spare-parts sheet. As you receive your parts and functions, u get the dispatcher to tick them off. oya,come down.

CATWALQ: (ACCEPTS THE PAPER AND CLIMBS OUT OF THE POD)

SIX OR SEVEN HOURS LATER (TOWARDS THE END OF THE WORKING DAY)

CATWALQ: (WALKING ABOUT, COMPLETELY BLOWN AWAY) wow, oh my God...look at that...and that...and that... wow. my goodness. wonder what that is...hello, bye, excuse me...wow...

SOME RANDOM SOULS LIKE THIS: Hello, what is ur name.

CATWALQ: catwalq. what are yours?

RANDOM SOUL 1: random soul 1

SOUL II: random soul II. where u just made?

CATWALQ: no oo, i was made this morning (notices an exchanged glance) why, what is it?

SOUL II: why r you incomplete? are your parts made to order?

CATWALQ: what do u mean?

RS1: look around. u notice anything?

CATWALQ: (LOOKS AROUND. REALISES SOMETHING IS AMISS) everyone looks different. what is going on?

RS1: u were supposed to make the rounds at the departments and collect your things. What do u have tamped on your paper?

SOUL II: what were u told that the paper floating around your head was for?

CATWALQ: Oh gosh, I completely forgot...

SOUL II: (RETRIEVING PAPER) mm-hmn, obviously. all she has is speech. no brain, no limbs, no eyes...nothing (TO RS1) am even surprised she has not fallen into a ditch all day.

RS1: (TO CATWALQ) where have u been? what were u doing? what were u thinking?

SOUL II: I must say that that last question is quite daft considering her brain item is not ticked...

RS1: shut up!

CATWALQ: (STARTS TO CRY...NO TEARS COME...NO GLANDS). what am I going to do? what is going to happen to me.

SOUL II: I guess, u can be one of the cleaners here...shucks. u need limbs for that.

RS1: Soul, waka far, right now....

SOUL II: (walks away chuckling)

RS1: (LOOKING AT THE PAPER): let's see. where r u being sent to?

CATWALQ: (HICCUPPING) I think to Yorubaland by way of Benin.

RS1: it says here that u r going to be a girl, so let's first make sure that u have those parts covered.

AT THE HEIGHT AND FORM DEPARTMENT

HEIGHT ANGEL: ah, sorry o. i just gave the last few inches to that one going. If u can come back tomorrow, maybe they would have brought a new batch of clay.

RS1: what about all these ones in the basket?

HEIGHT ANGEL: abi, u wan put me for trouble. no be d same place dem dey go. na d one wey remainder from since more-reen, na im dey dere. see dis yansh, as e big so, the leg wey co carry am don finish. see this hand, look am, u see sey the colour na one kain. i don tell u say i don finish d one for toh-day. if una come tomorrow, i fit find proper one for u.
when dem say make u comot?

CATWALQ: this night.

HA: abi, dem give u something chop? where u bin dey since more-reen?

RS1: no mind am o. as im collect im voice, na tori im knack till im waka go d other side. na for brain department we just dey commot since. dey even don pack commot for office.

HA: na wah o. oya, make I look my supplies. I fit get weting I go combine, make im face no kill im mama when e land.

(they burst into laughter)

CATWALQ: are u mocking me? I have a feeling that I am being ridiculed.

HA: shuo. na oyinbo pikin?

RS1: no o, dem just talk say, im go go school.

HA: dosgbe. I don see like five hundred today wey go go school. na so all of them dey knack English for here. One of them even vex me sef, na im make me wan keep im left leg. I con remember my former oga wey try am one time, na devil shit in dey take hand carry.

RS1: o ti o

HA: oya, Cattie-qwal, abi wetin be ur name?

RS1: (TO CATWALQ) he is talking to you

HA: leave am. im battery neva charge complete. e go slow for some time. oya take. manage this one. I no tink say u go too tall. but as u be woman, u go take koko shoe correct am.

To be continued.

That fateful day...

Venue: Eck African Seminar, PH, Nigeria, August 2000
Catwalq is at the Seminar Services desk welcoming people. Both Francophone and anglophone.

French Guy: Allo

Catwalq: Hello, Bienvenue.

French Guy: Oh, Merci, ou est le bureau de change (where is the bureau de change?) I here, Ivory Coast. No naira.

Catwalq( nodding seriously): Excusez moi, je ne parle pas francais. un moment ( i am sorry, I don't speak french. One moment. let me get someone)

Catwalq: eh, Naija French Speaking Bobo, can you please help this guy from Ivory Coast? You speak french abi?

NFSB: yes, where is he from?

Catwalq: Ivory Coast.

NSFB: Aaah, Cote D'voire.

Catwalq: No, Ivory Coast.

NSFB: (tone very superior and patronising) yes, cote d'voire is french for Ivory Coast.

French Guy: (nods in agreement. looks at catwalq funny)

Catwalq: (looks at ground. it doesn not open. Counts number of witnesses: about twelve)

I thought I was in love. I was knocking twenty and had never had a boyfriend. I desperately wanted this to be real. My adoloescence was leaving me and retreating to a distant memory devoid of all the silliness and carefree living that all my girlfriends had experienced.

Whilst they were swooning over improperly penned love letters and saccharine sweet romantic dalliances, I was poring over university brochures and countless novels. I was always odd amongst my friends even though I fit in with the crowd. Fiercely outspoken and intensely imaginative, I always wished that I too could have a very generic type tale to tell whenever my friends and I gathered for a hang. I never did. Even as I feverently prayed that things would change.

He was everything I wanted in a man. I was young, had no references against which I could compare him but I knew he was what I wanted. He was intelligent, suave and extremely funny. He and I shared a kin sense of humour. He got my jokes. I got his jokes. We read the same books. He was intrigued by all the things that I told him I had seen as well as those that I was planning to see. He lived alone, was working after having sailed through school abroad (where I wanted to go) on a scholarship (like I wished for). His mother was the woman I wanted to be when I grew up. His sister was an architect like I was planning to be. He was a youth leader and advisor in church.

He was tall, and his black skin shone like only a man from the river belt could. His hands were large but gentle; I knew because anytime he touched me, whether just to get my attention or to help me after I slipped in shoes that were not made for walking, I burned the feeling in my mind; my unexplored desires bubbling up to the surface like the inferno of a volcano.

My mother noticed it. Maybe because she had never seen me that animated around anyone before. neither had she seen me suddenly taken with my appearance. i was suddenly worried if he had seen whatever I was planning to put on that day. For the first time in my life as a female I fantasized about what it would mean if we could nurture our relationship till when it was right and we got married, what my first name would sound like next to his. Luckily, my mother was half itsekiri, half Yoruba, so I had access to and experience with his culture. i wondered if I could endure the dressing. I started trying my hands out at preparing what I had deduced was his favorite dish.

I confided in my best friend who was stunned that I felt that way. I had been pegged in school as the "most likely to beat up her husband herself". I hadn't liked the title but I was kind of glad that people were able to deduce that I was a no-nonsense person. My friend got to work trying to find out if he was involved with anyone. He was 25 going on 35 and I was 19 going on 30. We were going to be perfect together.

Then, at a party that I had spent ages getting ready for cos he was going to be there, he introduced me to his girlfriend. I died as I shook her hand. That was the day that I knew without a doubt that I had a chance at acting. My mother was sure she had been hallucinating about me and my friend felt she had imagined our past conversations about him. The girlfriend was perfect. She was just the kind of woman I knew he would have picked. She was funny, lively and very beautiful. I hated her because I liked her alot. He watched for my reaction, like he was anxious for me to accept her. He introduced me to her as his baby sister. he was the last child of his mother and so, he had always been the baby. Everyone thought that was cute. My stomach was churning.

Why would he want you? I asked myself. You are too fat, too dark, too short, stoo chatty, too young....every flaw I felt one could have, I drummed up as a reason why he could not be mine. I was so pained, i was numb. I began to tell myself that what they had would not last. I wondered if I prayed, maybe God would bring him to ME. Then, I realised that was an insult to God and to him. he was happy, clearly that is why God had brought him and her together. I even fell ill. My mother blamed it on my erractic eating habits. She tried to talk to me, to get me to talk to her. I brushed her worries aside and blamed it on my quest for admission. She bought it. i was studying for A levels, Jamb and SATs. I had alot on my plate.

Maybe, they would not last. Maybe... I'll wait.

I am sitting in front of my computer. His email is short as usual and filled with all I want to hear,except... he as proposed and she has accepted.

With Whom am I to be vexed?!!!!

Na so God take internship bless me dis summer after I don pray tire. For those who don't know, that means that I have to register my internship as a class as the American government will not allow me to work. I mean at 23, still requiring pocket money is grounds for all sorts of disrespect. E remain small, I almost comot my aunty pikin head when e ask me when I go pack comot from im mama apartment go my own; afterall, all the other women wey im sabi get am for car and house. me I just dey dey watch tv all day.

So anyways, back to my internship story. I now rallied around and generated the $500+ to register the course( i mean I have to pay to work) and went to almost five buildings (one of them does not count cos it is a renovated container/trailer) just to get signatures, documents, stamps, u-name-ity so that my immigration documents will show that I am allowed to work. The firm sef don tell me say, I gats to get it all done by Friday if I want to get paid so I was flying up and down in the bastard hot sun. At the final stage, the international students services office, as I awaited the advisor to put me in the SEVIS system. one of my guys from Trinidad and Tobago was commenting that I it might be a better idea to walk around with a bucket instead of a handkerchief, because it was like I swam into the office in my own sweat. Na im I laugh kon tell the guy say "My broda, dis country is precious o". We come begin laugh all the many "interesting" things Yankee gets to offer international students.

Apparently the exec assistant (or something like that was listening; she is American). Na im she come ask me if university dey my country? I look the woman, I look my friend.
"Pardon?"
"I was just curious to know if y'all got colleges back in your own country." she open mouth explain herself. I blink once, where she dey carry dis one go?
"Yes," My friend too answer. Im even talk say for im own country,university is now free. ( I see pple hopping to the Trini embassy in Lagos now)
Na im dis woman come slap me and my friend without lifting her hand.
"I mean, for all of you who choose to come here for an education," na she dey talk am dey go o, "and y'all complain so much, why don't you stay back in your country? I mean if America is so bad, why don't you stay in your own home?"

Ladies and gentlemen, has anyone ever talked true (excuse d english but I am writing my thoughts verbatim) and the thing pain u to the point way tears form but shame no gree make dem fall? Na so the woman's words come be like dat kin dirty water wey pepper sellers dey throw-way for market. I mean, she is goddamn right!

Why should I be relegated to a numerical identity all because I seek an education and an environment that rewards my efforts accordingly, allows me to explore all my talents and become the best I can be? Why, if not that the alternative is an invigilator refusing me my exam papers after my parents had spent thousands on a private tutor and I, many sleepless nights preparing for my JAMB, all because I refused to "settle" like everyone else in the class? Why should I have to flee my father's land cos as an outspoken woman, I might say something to offend someone in a cult and he/she/they will organise to have what limbs I escaped Igbobi with? Why did I have to flee to a country whose currency's exchange rate to the naira was once 2:1? Why did I have to be up at 4 am to make the 6 am line at the embassy bearing documents endorsing all my family's property; property which on average, their pple cannot boast off? Why do Americans have the misconception that upon discovering that I am Nigerian, i must be wealthy/ Afterall, most of the others they have met, live large, don't work and are the offspring of government officials.

I was very embarrassed by the woman's question and I could not tell her that in as much that she, her government and her fellow citizens seek ways to humiliate me and my people everyday we remain on their land, it is not as bad as the degradation my people face each day at the hands of their own motherland blood. Even as each day passes and graduation becomes less of an illusion and more of a glaring reality, I ask myself, will there be a place for me at home when I return? If there is, will I be able to be a productive and effective member of society? If there isn't, then with whom am I to be vexed?!!!!

I THINK

i think I need a boyfriend.
Or just maybe a lover.
No, I think I need a boyfriend. I am fed up of these few and far between unsubstantiated dalliances. Ladies and gentlemen, I need to find my Sheik now!!!!
*sigh* This is what watching Oxygen and Lifetime does to you. Then when you add a full dosage of a string Bollywood hits where women effortlessly have hot men (who dance "questionably")pining and singing after them just because they wore a wet saree, you suddenly start wishing for your own bollywood story.
What story am I to tell?
Where is my stash of M & Bs?

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

No wonder I am lonesome. My blog life even sucks men. I am not edgy enough. U know what things are about to change

Mummy and I

Over the phone. Time: 6.30 am(my time), 12.30 pm(her time)

Mummy: hello, hello, hello...Catwalq?

Me(slurred): Yes, hello, mummy

Mummy: Where have you been? Did you not see any of my missed calls? I left you five messages.

Me: By the time I saw them, it was too late for me to call you.

Mummy: I was very worried. It's not like you to go missing like that.

Me: Why? I was not missing. Did I not just speak to you like yesterday? The phone was on vibrate. What is going on?

Mummy: I should ask you that. How are you feeling? I hope you have not started eating stupidly again. You know you don't take dissappointments well.

Me: What?

Mummy: Don't 'what' me. I heard you over the phone asking for the "largest drink that they had."

Me: Mum, it was a soda. I have told you I don't drink alcohol.

Mummy: And I always thank the lord because kani u did ni, that will be what you will be using to drown your issues like all those...

Me: (cutting in) Mummy it is about six in the morning...

Mummy: What is that supposed to mean?

Me: Nothing, I...
Mummy: I should get off the phone for you? (voice has risen)

Me: No I did not say that, I am just like...

Mummy: And here I have been worrying myself sick; making calls trying to see how I can get you some money even if it is only five hundred and your are asking me to get off your phone?

Me: I did... (mo daran/ I am in trouble now)

Mummy: You were the one hungering to go to the US to study and now all these issues. First with your cousin, me loosing my job and this internship we had so banked upon getting lost. Do you think I like what you and your brother are going through?

Me: I am sorry.

Mummy: Well, if you do not want to talk to me, then you hang up. I don't know why you called me and told me that the programme did not work out if you did not want to talk with me about it.

Me: I always call you first...

Mummy: Hang up now, se I am bothering you (voice is soft and childlike...emotional blackmail mode switching into gear, tread softly)

Me: Mumm...

Mummy: I called, maybe we can pray together. I sent your brother to go and put credit on the phone and I was waking up every hour to try and reach you but you sound like you have everything under control so u can go.

Me: I am sorry. I did not mean to be rude. I was just scared when you said you had been trying to find me. (placating and cajolling) You know that I always want to talk to you. You can call me anytime even if it is in the middle of the night.

Mummy: That is what you always say but apparently it is not true. Otherwise you would have picked up all my calls.

Me: The phone was on vibrate.

Mummy: I do not know why you have a cell phone if you do not pick up.

Me: The phone was on vibrate.

Mummy: God forbid there should be an emergency.

Me: The phone was on vibrate.

Mummy: (silence)

Me: (silence)

Mummy: (silence)

Me: (silence)

Mummy: (to someone in the background; probably my brother) abi omo yi i ti hang up ni? (Or did this child hang up on me?)

Me: Hellooo mum, am still here o


Mummy: I was about to say. The slap I would have sent your way would have set your brain aright...hang up on me...o o to be (you will not dare)

Me: (agreeing) Lai lai. So what's up?


Mummy: Nothing. I just wanted to see if there had been any development with your dean.

Me: Sort of. He has been making calls and calling in favours trying to get me a placement. I have wasted three weeks and though that is not good, I am very hopeful.

Mummy: (sigh) And I know you have no money

Me: Yes

Mummy: (exclaims) Heeey!!! Olorun joo ( God please)

Me: Don't worry, I am fine.

Mummy: U are still at your aunt's house?

Me: Yes.

Mummy: Please tell her that only God can thank her for me for all she has done for us. I hope you are behaving yourself and helping her keep her house well. Don't say because she lets you that you will eat all her food. Remember what you looked like when ypu were fat...and your health.

Me: Yes, mummy. (changing the topic) What are you doing?

Mummy: I am going to Akure to go meet your dad. There is a spiritual seminar. We have to tackle all our issues from all sides. A family that prays together...

Me: ...belongs to the same faith

Mummy: U r really quite stupid.

Me: Sorry. I am just saying.

Mummy: Well, that is one. I have just paid the rent. Your daddy brought what he could, I ran around and so we have settled the landlord, three months later.

Me: Thank God, now no shaking.

Mummy: Yes O. Oh, and we have a new president.

Me: I know, Uncle Yara on-the-dialysis-machine.

Mummy: Haaaa, Catwalq-i, only God will forgive you.

Me: But that is what they said, and there were pictures to back it up. I even heard that he collapsed and had to be rushed to Germany.

Mummy: Where are you hearing all these things?

Me: On the internet

Mummy: Is that what you are doing with your time?

Me: Yup. for now. abi, what else do I have doing but eating, browsing the net and watching movies telling myself that I can write a better script.

Mummy: You better start writing that script so you can sell it and send you and your brother to school so that your father and I can sleep in peace. We are not young any more, if you don't know. I should marry you off and collect bride price but with your intelligence only God knows what I will be able to get.

Me: That will be your fault having kids in your late thirties. You guys have always been old meen.

Mummy: enu e( your mouth)

Me: About our presie, I heard that he is the first in that position to hold a collegiate degree.

Mummy: o ti o (na lie)

Me: Yes o. na so we see am.

Mummy: I mean, I knew Baba Iyabo did not go to school but what about Zik and others.

Me: Ibo ni wan to fe ri? (where would they have found one to attend?) which others, Abacha or Shagari?

Mummy: May be he will be able to better manage this administration

Me: Let us pray that he is. Is Omo Mummy (younger bro) going with u?

Mummy: No, we can't all go. Saving up for the portharcourt seminar.

Me: Ok

Mummy: What about Bomboy Rascal?( Aunty's seven yr old son)

Me: Sleeping. No one is up yet. they should be actually

Mummy: ehn ehn

Me: poor boy, aunty ti kanran mo omo naa titi wan lo sun last night ( aunty was irritable towards him till they went to bed last night)

Mummy: ki lo sele? (what happened)

Me: His friends told his mum that he did well in the class math quiz and she was ecstatic until she realised that he got 14 out of 21. She nearly bit his head off when he started singing along with Rihanna on the radio. She thought he got a hundred percent and found out his grade infront of the other parents who were also eager to hear what he got with the way his classmates were advertising and endorsing him.

Mummy: Aaah, eeyah. How did his classmates get involved?

Me: I did not tell you that Bomboy had gone to school to tell them that he was an African prince and heir to a throne?

Mummy: Eh-eh (bursts out laughing) but in a way it is true. He will just have to kill about three hundred families before he can get to the throne of Lagos.

Me: He now has supporters and subjects probably hoping to relocate to the Africa from Coming-to-America.

Mummy: Hun? What does that mean?

Me: Coming To America? Eddie Murphy? Zimunda? Can't you remember?

Mummy: What?

Me: The movie where he was an African prince who came to the US looking for a bride.

Mummy: Ehn-ehn, yes

Me: You have no idea what I am talking about, do you?

Mummy: No

Me: Well, they created this Africa of perfection.

Mummy: Ehn-ehn ( getting lost in the conversation)

Me: When are you leaving for Akure?

Mummy: When I get off this phone, Omo Mummy will take me to the bus park. Infact, I should be off now. Seems like you holding strong.

Me: Where r u going to? After waking me up from sleep. I was dreaming that I was dating a rich and powerful sheik who built a house of gold and diamonds for me...u better stay and gist with me.

Mummy: Oniranu (useless person), I hope you memorized his number so you can call him to come and fix your financial worries...wo, (look) I am going now, ok

Me: So, you don't want to talk to me, Okay o hang up now.

Mummy: Do you want to talk to your brother before all the credit is gone? (to my brother) you want to talk to your sister?

Me: No, tell him that he is an ugly mushueshue but I love him and he should hang on

Mummy: (repeats the message)
He said you are a goat.

Me: It is not his fault. If I was there, I would bless him with a hot slap.

Mummy: You better have a ladder because there is no way you will reach his face. Short rat.

Me: (gasp, feigned hurt) U are so mean

Mummy: (evil chuckle) My child, don't worry ehn, everything will work out. God is not asleep on us. Take care, ehn

Me: Amen...are you going to leave me here after disrupting my sleep?

Mummy: Bye joo

Me: U are going to hang up?

Mummy: Yes. Love you. Be strong. You are not alone. Remember that you must pray. That is the only way we will get through this faze

Me: So u r going to hang up?

Mummy: *hiss* bye jare, ok, bye. (hangs up)